Hi to everybody...I've had a much, much calmer day today...in fact, I don't think I've sworn all day!! Believe me that's a first for a very long time...I'd reached the stage of probably swearing more than I was actually talking if that makes sense...HLOL...hmmm...strange how such a simple thing as a cigarette can drive away a deep depression so quickly...you'd be forgiven for saying maybe I wasn't as depressed as I thought I was, but I know myself, and I was...when I start talking about wanting to die because I'd got nothing to live for anymore, I know I've reached a bad place...when you start considering your husband would be happy if you weren't there anymore and would get over you very quickly, you're in trouble...and when your usual unstoppable creativity had vanished completely, the feeling of being a waste of time and space is overpowering...I have no idea why nicotine is necessary to my well being but it is...
My worst moments in my life have all been when I'd been obliged to give it up for a while...After my operations on my spine, I'd been off cigs for nearly two years, and came home in agony...I had painkillers but they did little or nothing to ease the pain, which was truly excruciating as I learned to walk again with the rod in my back, and for the scars to heal...about four weeks of becoming convinced I couldn't deal with the pain because it was continuous morning, noon and night, and having very little sleep either, and our son didn't deal at all with my pain...If anything he just shut me out and that nearly killed me...but he had problems of his own at the time, and I hadn't the energy or strength to help him...I had a cigarette and from then on I made rapid progress...Admittedly, it took nearly a year to be fully healed and a further six months to reach where I am now because so much older than the usual young ones operated on for this condition and solution...but, without the cigarettes, I doubt very much whether I would be here today because the pain was driving me mad...cigarettes eased it greatly...
This is not a justification for starting again...I'm simply telling you what effect smoking has on me, and why I've used cigarettes to keep me sane, and, believe it or not, healthy considering what I have wrong with me, and have had done to me over the years...
So, my friends, I really hope from now on, there'll be a lot less gloom and doom from me and more positive posts coming...HLOL...my apologies for bending your ears these last few months, but also thank you for your support and for trying to cheer me up as well...it has all been very, very appreciated...sorry it didn't work, but now I feel as if I'm back in the driving seat again, and it feels good...so have a good evening, and great bigs hugs to one and all...